Disclaimer: The following text is a satirical piece intended for humor and entertainment purposes only. It does not reflect the actual views or actions of Megan Rapinoe, Nike, or any other individuals or organizations mentioned. Please enjoy this content in the spirit of satire and not as a reflection of real events.
Soccer star Megan Rapinoe is returning from the World Cup a broken athlete. The loss to Sweden lies squarely on her after missing an easy penalty shot on an open net.
Her biggest sponsor, woke brand Nike, is so disappointed that they ended their nearly 2-decade relationship with the player.“We paid for a champion,” said Marketing Director Joe Barron, “but unfortunately those days are over. She was great once. Nobody will forget that.”
Considering she’s also been dropped by the OL Reign, the US Women’s Olympic Team, and the World Coccer Network, that statement may not stand up to the test of time.“It all started with a Twitter trend,” said ALLOD sports analyst Art Tubolls, “As soon as her name came up and there was video of that shot, it was over. That one dude in Maine started pumping out headlines like crazy. Google showed an uptick in searches for ‘Megan Rapinoe bad,’ which is like writing a blank check for political trolls. Honestly, I’m a bit surprised at the lack of fact-checks.”
It’s true, patriots, we’ve added the obligatory “Punishing Megan Rapinoe” category for the festivities. We don’t see her beating out Jason Aldean, who we still wouldn’t be able to pick out of a lineup had it not been for the dumb song. The gods are looking favorably upon Rapinoe stories, however, and we just sacrificed 2/3rds of a moose up here to keep the ball rolling. There was blood and symbology and possibly some chanting involved.
Luckily, that’s all covered by the 1st Amendment. God Bless America.
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