Oliver Anthony Turns Down $8 Million Target Endorsement: “I Won’t Sell My Soul”

Newly-discovered country star Oliver Anthony has already been offered an $8 million endorsement from none other than woke box store Target. He, of course, turned it down.

According to the new Director of Marketing, Joe Barron, the chain has been looking for someone who represents the working-class American and not just a bunch of Zoomers who just graduated high school.“It’s a marketing strategy that may take some time to implement,” said Barron, “but we’re confident that come next June, nobody will remember we ever did a Pride month display.”

What would it take for Anthony to take an endorsement from Target? “Not for all the pork in Washington,” he said. And he plans to stick to it.The $8 million number is quite a coincidence, according to ALLOD lead journalisticator Flagg Eagleton. “I had this title in drafts a few days ago,” he said, “long before Anthony said he turned down that same number. It’s like the Gods of satire are smiling down on me.”

Flagg sometimes likes to talk to himself as both himself and me in the third person. It makes him feel more like he does now than he did when he sat down to write this nonsense.

Anyway, God Bless you, Oliver Anthony, for being mentally ill enough to write a song everyone loves. Unless they’re on public assistance, which is too poor for the poor, apparently. God Bless America.



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