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Lia Thomas Loses Sponsorship Gig to Riley Gaines

Disclaimer: The following text is a satirical piece intended for humor and entertainment purposes only.

Woops, sorry Miss Thomas. It seems like you’re constantly losing things to more unwoke and real female athletes.

Just yesterday in Queefblastery, California, the Tetley’s Teabaggery Company announced that it was pulling it’s 30 million dollar sponsorship and advertising gig away from American swimming champion Lia Thomas, and more or less, handing it over to University of Kentucky champion Riley Gaines.The deal, which includes photographic advertisements in magazines such as Swimming All Over, and Water Whores , as well as television spots and live teabagging demonstrations at colleges worldwide, is quite lucrative.

CEO of Tetley Enterprises Sandra Batt, explained the reasoning behind the switcheroo.

“The thing is, the only moldy old perverts who actually look at those magazines and go to teabagging demonstrations are conservative so-called ‘Christians’, who are near dead and love Trump. They don’t like Lia Thomas much.”

She took a long warning sip of Tetley’s tea, and continued.

“They don’t like her because they don’t understand sex or gender. I mean, the last time they got laid was in the Polk administration. So we went with Gaines because she’s a typical blonde white bitch. They can get their Geritol money behind that.”

So congratulations to our newest champion Teabaggery, Riley Gaines. She will no doubt, knock this one right out of the trailer park.

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