Disclaimer: The following text is a satirical piece intended for humor and entertainment. The actions, events, and quotes described are entirely fictional.
Last week, the Guinness Book of World Records announced that it would add an asterisk next to Lia Thomas’ eleven world records. After backlash from sporting authorities across the globe, Guinness reversed its decision.
“Rather than add an asterisk, Guinness will vacate the record and give it, by default, to the next in line,” said Editor-in-Chief Joe Barron, “We regret that there had to be any discussion on the matter and look forward to putting it behind us.”Thomas has eleven world records listed in the 2023 edition of the book, which will be the only edition that will have Thomas listed. Next year’s book will list the real record holder, along with an explanation of the mistake in the 2023 print version.
“This whole thing sounds more official than your traditional story,” said Barron, “By now, there should be something that gives it away other than all those fictitious records.”Emma Weyent will take 6 of the records, and Riley Gaines will take the other five. Ms. Gaines says she’ll petition for a tie for one of them.
“Emma is trying to steal my moment,” she told Tomi Lahren in a desperate attempt to be the next her, “I won’t stand for it.”
Women’s swimming has never been more popular, patriots. God Bless America.
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